ADHESIONS

ADHESIONS

As I walked into the department of physiotherapy to check on a particular patient’s progress yesterday, I was overwhelmed. The whole place was filled mostly with my post-operative patients. Smiles and pleasantries were exchanged with many. Some thanked me for the surgery others informed me about their progress but amidst all this I was being overwhelmed by something else.

An entire hall sized room filled with people on walkers, sticks and crutches struggling to regain their lost range of motion across the operated joints. Struggling to regain their pre-operative agility, aided by various modalities of physiotherapy.

“My god I did this to them ……” I felt it in a rather apologetic fashion instead of a resplendent or conceited manner.

As an orthopedic surgeon trauma surgeries comprise a bulk of my surgical routine……smashed knees,crushed shoulders, extremities that need reconstruction etc are a part of a daily routine. Once operated the patient needs to undergo “Immobilization” of the operated part to allow it to heal adequately and appropriately.

“Immobilization” is a precarious friend. Too less of it and you would end up in a re-fracture, too much of it and one ends up in an almost intractable stiffness.
It is a necessity, but one that needs to be precisely calibrated.

Something deep within was seeing me as responsible for the struggles of these patients too, but in a very impersonal fashion.

True they required the surgeries, true that if it were not for the surgery they would have lost the function of that limb for life, true that post surgical immobilization is a must for adequate healing and very true that this process would always lead to stiffness across the immobilized joint but all this was pointing me to something deep within.

The body is a dynamic process it responds to your repeated needs and can raise or diminish its functional capacity as per your basal demands.
That is to say that it’s the same human body when subjected to repeated basal stress of gym exercises day in and day out that transforms itself into a professional body builder and it is the same human body shielded from all stresses that becomes a couch potato.
Similarly when subjected to immobilization for a prolonged period the joint accepts a particular position as itself and develops “Adhesions” to stay that way, losing its flexible range of motion. It is as if a continuously repeated or practiced position (immobilization) makes the joint forget its capacity for the range of motion.

But something deeper was occupying my concern, I wondered if so evident was the case with the gross body what would be the scenario with the fine mind.

Theoretically it should stiffen much quicker and return to normalcy rapidly too because of its subtle nature.

And upon pondering it was found to be true.

As children we all had conceived a world of all possibilities, none of us had dreamt mediocrity and a life wasted just to earn the daily bread. As children none of us had imagined boredom and jadedness. As children we had pictured a life of an endlessly fulfilling adventure. We may not have exactly known how but we knew it would be so.
But that pluripotent (an immature {cell or stem cell} state capable of giving rise to several different {cell} types of state) state requires differentiation into a particular state for its complete flowering and expression and that demands a prolonged immobilization in a particular position.

That is becoming an Architect, Fashion designer, Engineer, Lawyer, Doctor, Business professional etc demands being with this particular discipline of interest for a prolonged period. Being immobilized (psychologically) in a particular field by attending a particular college, pursuing a particular course.

Then there is immobilization in certain labeled social and emotional roles like boss and subordinate, father and son/daughter, mother and son/daughter, brother and sister, friend of so and so’s, Foe of so and so’s etc……… And before we know it ……..
“Psychological Adhesions”……

We get stiffly fastened and rigidly immobilized within the confines of our role plays.

This is what we term as our comfort zone which in reality is actually nothing but a Discomfort zone.

What can be comfortable about a car that doesn’t move, a ship that doesn’t sail, a plane that doesn’t fly and a life that doesn’t overflow with enthusiasm for this moment and a joyfully restful anticipation of the moments to come.

But let us not rush to blame the society for what it has done to us for that would be like me blaming myself for the stiffness of these patients.
All of us need to be immobilized into certain disciplines and roles for a while in order to gain proficiency in certain areas of life, to be the experts at this, that and the other. And this like fracture treatment is bound to create a certain amount of “psychological stiffness” within us. But we need not continue to bear with this contracted “psychological stiffness” of ours.
Just like a post-operative immobilization patient feels the discomfort in going about his daily routine due to his stiff joints. We too experience emotional claustrophobia as we move about in our lives on a day to day basis. But instead of challenging these “Psychological Adhesions” (stiff psychological stand points, beliefs and role plays), like the fracture rehabilitation patient does with physiotherapy, we try to accustom our lives alongside and around this disabling psychological stiffness.

A sense of anxiety about future, regret about past, listlessness about the present all these and a myriad more shades of jaded emotions remind us of our discomfort arising out of our own psychological adhesions and stiffness.

We need the rehabilitation of psychological physiotherapy to break all our psychological adhesions and restore our full range of psychological motion.

Anything would do……. listening to a soothing piece of music one loves, travelling, painting, hiking, writing, praying, running , dancing , kayaking, Meditating or just sitting silently and enjoying a sunrise or sunset …………

Anything that does not require of you to be the YOU that you have come to believe that you are.

Anything that keeps your identity away and connects you to your own wordless presence.

The you beyond all labels, the you beyond even the concept of you, the you that is effortlessly present in spite and despite your psychological attention, inattention or contemplation.

The technique of being connected with this aspect of yourself is the real religion; the practice of repeatedly reaching that place is true spirituality; the experience of that wordless place is God.

The Malingering (abridged)
[The credit of creating this abridged version goes to my dear friend Abhishek Shukla]

She is 48 years of age and pain has been her constant companion for over two decades now. Perthes disease has destroyed both her hips and the degenerative scoliosis, that set in probably a decade ago, is only making each day more difficult.
With her bag full of investigations, previous prescriptions and treatment records, she met me in my OPD about 2 months ago.
“You don't need to suffer with this!! I could replace both your hips and if need be, correct the scoliosis later on with another surgery!!” I exclaimed even before I could complete my turn and give a meaning to X-Ray box's life's purpose - mounting the x-ray film. Her condition was so obvious...
Too quick and too direct; that’s what it was…I would realize this an instant later.
I gradually lowered the X-Ray film, the barrier between my eyes and hers, a noticeable woebegone air - like a dark halo - had surrounded her. It seemed my words had struck her like Zeus' bolt.
“Wouldn’t you like to go through these reports first” she spoke after an expected silence, seething...
“I don’t have to lady… in factPerthes was my top differential diagnosis the moment you walked into my OPD.Seeing you from a distance of 50 meters - forget these x rays - your gait speaks louder than these reports. And, just like any other doctor, I despise distrust…..” The frontal lobe of the brain is solidly pounded with its social sensibilities and thankfully, none of all this was ever verbalized.
These same social sensibilities simulated a smile and politely undertook the masquerade of going through the heap of papers, wearing a contemplative look, stifling a yawn and wondering what to have for dinner.
“Hmmmm… so please tell me what brings you here?” I asked, having completely exhausted myself, either with the farce of going through the report. Infused with the satisfaction of my sham attention to her records, the lady began speaking. Most of it was a ramble and it continued for a while until my patience weaned and I blurted, “But why are you here now?”
I would never know what worked – the tone of my voice, or all that pent up boredom gushing through the barrage of my patience – but, it had halted her seemingly unending jackhammer of a conversation.
“To be treated of course!” she said defensively.
“Which I have already explained how…So let's discuss only what’s relevant in that regards". I continued.
“But I don’t want to get operated!” she said. I immediately softened because I could almost hear “I cannot afford to get operated", "I am too afraid to get operated", "there is too much at hand currently in my life".
“Pain relief, that’s what you are here for!” (And that’s not treatment, by the way!)
An invisible yes was palpably present even in its auditory absence. A cocktail regime of pain relief was tailor-made as per her requirements and she left.
A fortnight later she arrived in the OPD for follow-up, visibly better than the previous visit.
“So how are you now?” I made a cheerful but redundant remark, I instantly bit my tongue. Off went the train of endless ramblings, obviously confused (considering my diagnosis) I looked at her husband, who had been desperately waiting for an eye contact, which I now realized, instantaneously falsified all her claims in a moment of eye roll.
“But are you okay as long as you take the medicines?” I randomly interrupted at some juncture.
“Yes I am” probably it was the sudden and unexpected arrival of the question amidst the heavy traffic of monologue that brought forth such a short and truthful reply, at least at that instant.
She then went on to describe the side effects she was experiencing; which by the way, do not exist anywhere, in any medical text, on these drugs. I was also made aware of how her life now is even more miserable due to these side effects, albeit without pain.
“These medicines cannot be the cause of the symptoms you are experiencing, they don’t have any such side effect profile!!” with my patience thinned out, I quickly bid adieu to my social pleasantries.
What followed then from this point on, almost on a fortnightly basis, was astounding and annoying at the same time.
As one regimen provided pain relief, she would concoct another set of side effects. As soon as this lady would get better with a particular regimen of pain relief like the first one she would come to OPD and inform me about vague and even fanciful side effects these medicines were having on her. Knowing clearly that no such side effects exist for these drugs I would either inform her so or maintain a disregardful silence regarding the issue……and at the end of each such episode I would find her admitted in the hospital next morning. Admitted at night via emergency due to exacerbation of her proclaimed side effects specially vomiting and fainting.
Then I would change her medicines to new ones and yet the same set of events would recur.
When I saw her admitted for the third time while on plain paracetamol…… I saw red!!!
Then it dawned on me…she was a malingerer!!
It was that time in life where one does a deep dive within to find answers for issues rendered irresolvable.
Why is this experience being given to me??
What do I have to see, learn and assimilate??
This deep dive was effortless as my pent up frustration had already imploded. I was falling, as if through the fabric of space and time, into an unknown place of silence.
And it was there that it happened…
“Do you love your current life position absolutely???” A question seemed to arise
“Not absolutely…”
“Then why don’t you change either??”
“Either??” I wondered…
“The situation or your stance!”
“I mean how can I change this situation…….blah blah(explanations upon explanations) blah blah blah…… and obviously I don’t like it this way so how can I feign to like it i.e. change my stance?”
“Isn't that malingering??”
I felt a sharp stab.
“You complain about your current life situation, wish for a better alternative, resist, ridicule and humiliate the present moment for its ‘not enough-ness’ but when asked to do something concrete about it you shirk behind a barrage of excuses…that’s your vomiting episode… and when asked to change your opinion about the current situation you come out in a firm denial, because you are incapable to change it, stating , “but I don’t like it how can I feign otherwise”, that’s your fainting episode against reasoning.”
“Aren't you malingering your life away??” The knife that had stabbed was turning…slowly…

I was bleeding…
At this juncture you too might have felt an uncomfortable prick if not a stab. I now point this question straight at you, “Do you love your job?”; “Do you love your current life situation?”; “Are you completely at peace with it?” (Excruciating, isn’t it?)
A discomfort encapsulates you now but you have your defense, ready!
“I mean nobody does but it has to be done”; “Bills and EMI’s have to be paid boss!”; “Welcome to the real world, money is the arbitrator of our reality not words and ideas”; “what do you suggest one should do, do you have any better ideas”. If you listen to yourself, you too will hear ‘blah-blah-blah’ in there, somewhere.
To tell you the truth, you are someplace between blatant denial and assertive defensiveness.
And when asked to soften your stance, forget feeling good about the situation (since you cannot change it anyway) the mind goes “this is not what I came looking for, this cannot be the purpose of my life”; “how can I come to terms with it, it is so unfair”; “I deserve much, much better” and a ubiquitous ‘blah-blah-blah’.
As I bled my own reality a great sense of compassion and gratitude arose within me for the lady. At least she paid heed to her physical symptoms, got herself diagnosed and came to know that she is diseased and what exactly that disease is.
But until today I had never even paid any heed to the symptoms – anger, irritation, frustration, lack of love, lack of gratitude and wonderment, lack of compassion – within me.
Until today I had never bothered to even wonder if something was wrong with me, leave alone diagnosing and attempting to cure.
Until today I was living in a defensive premise of “this is normal, everybody is like this”
But it was not possible anymore.
The dagger of honest enquiry had ripped through the veils of egoist mind. The diseases of “self-denial”, “Follow the herd and not your instincts”, “Do things because they have to be done not for the love of doing them”, “Disbelief and Doubt” had suddenly been exposed.
And I was forced to ask myself
“If I am the one sabotaging myself, why is it that I believe so less in my capacities and capabilities?”
“Why is it that I doubt the good that has already come my way, but believe instantly in the most farfetched imaginations of the ominous?”
“Why do I think the way I think, about myself and life?”
“And if it does not serve me well then why do I continue to harbor it within me?”
“If belief is a practiced thought, why then should I harbor such self diminishing, self destructive beliefs within me?”

The Malingering

The Malingering

She is 48 years of age and pain has been her constant companion for over two decades now. Perthes Disease has destroyed both her hips and the degenerative scoliosis that set in probably a decade ago is only making each day more difficult and painful for her.
With her bag full of investigations, previous prescriptions and treatment records she met me in my OPD about 2 months ago.

“You don't need to suffer with this, I could replace both your hips and if the need be correct the scoliosis later on with another surgery” I exclaimed instantaneously amidst a partially completed turn of my chair towards the x ray view box with x ray still in my hands and the view box still awaiting the completion of remaining 60 degrees or so of my turns arc.

Too quick and too direct ………….. that’s what it was…….I would realize an instant later about my response ……..

As I gradually lowered the x ray film, the barrier between my eyes and hers, a woebegone air like an ill halo surrounded her ………. My words had struck like a calamity it seemed.

“Wouldn’t you like to go through these reports first” she spoke after a poignant silence.
“I don’t have to lady …… infact perthes was my top differential diagnosis the moment you walked into my OPD, seeing you from a distance of 50 meters, forget even these x rays …….your gait speaks louder than these reports …. And just like any other doctor I despise distrust…..” but thankfully the larynx is not directly connected with the mind. The frontal lobes of brain intervened with their social sensibilities and none of all this was ever verbalized.
Having given into the social sensibilities I simulated a smile and politely undertook the masquerade of going through the heap of papers wearing a contemplative look.
“Hmmmmmmmnnn …….so please tell me what brings you here?”, I asked, having completely exhausted myself with the farce of going through unnecessary reports and continuing to feign to go through them with my head still buried within them.
Infused with the satisfaction of my sham attention to her records the lady began speaking. Most of it was irrelevant leave alone insignificant and it continued for a while until all my pent up irritation blurted out as “but why are you here now?”.
Was it the tone or the forcefulness of the prohibitive dam of patience giving way I would never know but it had worked. These words had halted the seemingly unending train of her conversation.
“To be treated of course” she said defensively.
“And I have explained it to you already……”
“So let us discuss only what’s relevant in that regards” I continued
“But I don’t want to get operated” she said …….and I softened immediately because I could hear “I cannot afford to get operated, I am too afraid to get operated, there is too much at hand in my current life situation etc etc …..” from behind those words.

“Pain relief that’s what you are here for” (and that’s not treatment by the way)
An invisible yes was palpably present even in its auditory absence. A cocktail regime of pain relief was tailor made as per her requirements and she left.
A fortnight later she arrived in the OPD for follow-up, visibly better than the previous visit.
“So how are you now?” I made a cheerful but redundant remark, I thought (she obviously was better)
And off went the train of endless ramblings, obviously confused I looked at her husband, who had been desperately waiting for an eye contact (I now realized), who instantaneously falsified all her claims in a moment of eye roll and gesture.
“But are you okay as long as you take the medicines?” I randomly interrupted at some juncture.
“Yes I am” probably it was the sudden and unexpected arrival of the question amidst the heavy traffic of monologue that brought forth such a short and truthful reply, at least at that instant.
Of course she followed it up with various complaints about the side effects she was experiencing with these medicines (none of which have ever been noted in any text of medical knowledge anywhere for those drugs)………. And how her life now is even more miserable than before; though without pain but with these side effects now.
“These medicines are not the cause of the symptoms you are experiencing, they don’t have any such side effect profile” with my patience thinned out I was very direct (no intervening social pleasantries).
I could sense her withdrawal ……..
What followed then from this point on, almost on a fortnightly basis, was astounding and irritating simultaneously.
As soon as this lady would get better with a particular regimen of pain relief like the first one she would come to OPD and inform me about vague and even fanciful side effects these medicines were having on her. Knowing clearly that no such side effects exist for these drugs I would either inform her so or maintain a disregardful silence regarding the issue……and at the end of each such episode I would find her admitted in the hospital next morning. Admitted at night via emergency due to exacerbation of her proclaimed side effects specially vomiting and fainting.
Then I would change her medicines to new ones and yet the same set of events would recur.
Tired of this vicious cycle my frustration began to grow and when I saw her admitted again for the third time one morning, while she was only on plain paracetamol for pain relief, it could be contained no more. The pent up frustration at this seemingly unresolvable situation had to burst out or implode within.
Obviously a patient on the hospital bed cannot be told that he/she is a malingerer, not on the face at least.

So as it is with most unresolvable issues in life, where one does not even get a chance to react the way he/she deems appropriate, it was time to dive within and ask why??

Why is this experience being given to me??
What do I have to see, learn and assimilate??
And it was effortless my pent up frustration, not finding a vent outside, had already imploded ……… I had fallen ……….. as if out of the fabric of space time net …….. into an unknown place of silence.
And it was there that it happened…………….
“Do you love your current life position absolutely???” A question seemed to arise
“Not absolutely ………..” was the reply
“Then why don’t you change either??”

“Either??” I wondered…..

“The situation or your stance (reaction/feelings) about the situation”

“I mean how can I change this situation…….blah blah(explanations upon explanations) blah blah blah…… and obviously I don’t like it this way so how can I feign to like it i.e. change my stance about it ……..”

“Isn't that a malingering??”

Suddenly I felt stabbed……the innocuous questioning had, like a dagger, penetrated somewhere very deep now and all of a sudden so.

“You complain about your current life situation, even propose a better alternative to it in your mind, resist, ridicule and humiliate the present moment for its “not enough- ness”……..but when asked to do something concrete about it you shirk away offering a barrage of excuses ………..that’s your vomiting episode……… and when asked to change your opinions about the current situation (when you are so incapable to change it in actuality) you come out in a firm denial stating , “but I don’t like it how can I feign otherwise”, that’s your fainting episode against reasoning.”

“Aren't you malingering your life away??”

I was bleeding torrentially now …………
(Suddenly at this juncture of reading you too might have felt an uncomfortable prick…..it’s a prick (and not a full blown stabbing) only due to a verbal illusion of me and you. If this question now is pointed straight at you, “Do you love your job?”; “Do you love your current life situation?”; “Are you completely at peace with it?” {Something feels stabbed now}
A defensive discomfort encapsulates you now ……….. “I mean nobody does but it has to be done”; “Bills and EMI’s have to be paid boss”; “welcome to the real world …….money is the arbitrator of our reality not words and ideas”; “what do you suggest one should do, do you have any better ideas” etc etc……
From blatant denial to assertive defensiveness the mind would position itself somewhere within the spectrum of these two extremes.
And when asked to soften your stance, forget feeling good, about whatever is (since you cannot change it anyway) the mind goes…………. “this is not what I came looking for, this cannot be the purpose of my life”; “how can I come to terms with it, it is so unfair”; “I deserve much much better” etc etc…….)

As I bled my own reality a great sense of compassion and gratitude arose within me for the lady.
At least she paid heed to her physical symptoms, got herself diagnosed and came to know that she is diseased and what exactly that disease is.
But until today I had never even paid any heed to the symptoms of anger, irritation, frustration, lack of love, lack of gratitude and wonderment, lack of compassion within me.
Until today I had never bothered to even wonder if something was wrong with me leave alone diagnosing it and attempting to cure it.
Until today I was living in a defensive premise of “this is normal …….everybody is like this”
But it was no more possible now ………..
The dagger of honest enquiry had ripped through the veils of egoic mind ………. The diseases of “self-denial”; “Follow the heard and not your instincts”; “Do things because they have to be done not for the love of doing them”: “Disbelief and Doubt” etc had all been exposed all of a sudden ………

And I was forced to ask myself

“If I am the one sabotaging myself?”

“Why is it that I believe so less about my own capacities and capabilities?”

“Why is it that I doubt the good that has already come my way but believe instantly in the most farfetched imaginations of the ominous?”

“Why do I believe whatever it is I believe about myself and life?”

“And if it does not serve me well then why do I continue to harbor it within me?”

“Isn't belief a practiced (much repeated) thought alone?”

“Why then should I harbor such self diminishing, such self destructive believes within me?” …………………

The confluence continued

The confluence continued

So there are two entities functional in this human body of ours,
1> The real primal intelligence that actually orchestrates the functioning of this extremely complex body and maintains life as we know it.
2> Something else that has little or no say in the “real life” and hence weaves an illusory web of control derived from a “reaction to the is’ness of life”.

So the real primal intelligence was a singularity prior to the big bang….no concept of time…space…..other …..even the concept of any concept……
Nothingness is what comes nearest to describing it………and from that nothingness arose all this something and the other (the entire cosmos that is).
So in principle we, the derivatives of that nothingness via the big bang, contain within us that nothingness……..and so does every other thing in this universe.

The building block of this universe, the atom, is evidence to this fact. Being 99.9999999(13 nines after the decimal) % empty, i.e. space containing nothing………and yet the will of the singularity to experience itself as multiplicity makes us and our phenomenal world seem so solid.

This is not about psychological abstractions, or astronomical figures it is about the individual that is you. But the “you” has to be put in a correct perspective and hence the need to go through these scientific facts and figures.
So how does all this sum up to something significant, something potent, something transformative for an individual???

An individual as he/she knows himself is a mere idea about himself given to him by the society i.e.
1> A name
2> A family identity
3> An educational qualification
4> A professional position
5> A social position
6> A generic idea about oneself like good/bad, virtuous/notorious, brilliant/average/dumb, humorous/serious etc …..

None of this exists without you……it has all been implanted over you ……it is not you……you are the ground, the matrix, upon which all these things happen. But painful confusion arises when this pure unlabelled I begins relating to its own self internally via these labels.
Having these labels as a social convenience is perfectly fine, to relate to others trapped in this social game via these labels might even be a necessity but relating to one’s own self internally via these labels is morose and at times painful.

And this is the confluence, the critical juncture where religions are born, practices take root and true philosophies blossom.
The juncture that reminds you to reconnect with your own nothingness which is much much vaster than your “something ness”.

Just like the atom that makes us up. Just as our constituent atoms are 99.9999999(13 nines after the decimal) % empty…..containing nothing …….so are we.

When we forget our innate nothingness and begin focusing only on the “something ness” life becomes a drag. Because we are pushing against our own innate truth, our own expansive self.

In choosing only “something ness” and leaving out our nothingness aspect we have left out 99.9999999(13 nines after the decimal) % of ourselves and that is very suffocating, very claustrophobic.
A lot arises from this juncture but before being carried away by that it would be rather worthwhile to mention the practical significance of all this.
Having clearly seen the operation of a vast intelligence within our own physiology and having accepted the nothingness as the much vaster part of the self one is now clearly confronted with a choice…………

The choice of siding his/her attention with the unknown yet innate vast intelligence in the infinite matrix of nothingness

Or

Continuing with the society implanted suffocating, very claustrophobic and yet very familiar reactionary old mindset of “something ness”

But the same suffocating, very claustrophobic and yet very familiar reactionary old mindset of “something ness” will ask “How”.
How do I shift my focus??

How do I give my attention to the unknown yet innate vast intelligence in the infinite matrix of nothingness???

And the answer to that is; that this mind that is asking these questions can’t.

This mind cannot shift the focus; this mind cannot give attention to the unknown yet innate vast intelligence in the infinite matrix of nothingness???

And that is why the religions, techniques and philosophies ……..

Focus on the breath and you are already connected to the unknown yet innate vast intelligence in the infinite matrix of nothingness that governs your life; focus on the heart beat, look incessantly at an object or hear a continuous sound (e.g. flowing of a river) etc all to the same effect. Whenever we step our attention out of the minds verbal and imagery based chatter we are connecting to our own source.

And that is why vacations are so revivifying ……..the new sceneries, locations and situations are too overwhelming for the mind to form concepts and begin its chatter so one gets connected to his source and feels reinvigorated.
But repeated visits to same vacation spot would amply clarify the fact (as mind forms ideas and concepts about the place and gradually returns with a sense of familiarity) that it’s not the place per se rather the absence of mental chatter that is so refreshing.

The confluence

The confluence

We began our generic talk titled “order, chaos and control” two posts ago on the footing of contrast …… stating ……
“The universe it seems loves contrasts and very tightly intertwines polarities be it an atom with electrons, protons and neutrons or be it galaxies, stars and the planetary systems within them, tightly strung (to perfection like guitar strings) by the opposing forces of gravity and centrifugal force.”
But then we swayed away from the generics of the universe into the specifics of personal interpretations, priorities and perceptions.
Maslow’s pyramid helped us appreciate as to why is it that different people perceive things differently.
Why is it that the answer to the questions like “who am I?”, “what is the purpose and nature of this universe?” might be the singular pressing urgencies in one person’s life. On the other hand they may be viewed plainly as futile psychological abstractions by another person.
Though the Maslow’s pyramid offered a wonderful window into the human conditioning and psyche it would be noteworthy to point out that it is not an absolute concept, just like any other concept.
And life offers stark examples to shake up the pyramids credibility. It is filled with examples of Kabir, Raidas, Jesus, Ramkrishna Paramhans, Al hillaj Mansoor, Tulsidas, Valmiki etc who had little if any means to get by in life. According to Maslow they would be at the bottom of the pyramid i.e. Biological and Physiological needs or at the Safety needs when rated at an exaggerated best and yet they have all attained a self-fulfillment, a personal growth and a peak experience humanly possible and gone further beyond.
Life it seems is repeatedly reminding that it is more specific than generici.e. even though theories and ideologies are good pointers to the path they themselves are not the path.

So what then is the path?

Paradox and contrast………………

The human mind drugged by its sense of rationality wants to see clear cut patterns and pictures and in its attempt to do so it willfully and skillfully ignores a lot only to observe and absorb that which conforms to its preconceived notions.

And that is precisely why the question ……. The question about finality of life …..The question about life’s purpose………The question about the path and the goal…….

Who is asking all this????

Is it the self ….the self that is ….the primal substratum of existence??

Is it the self, the singularity, that was prior to the big bang and then started out with the big bang becoming the chaotic soup of nebulous gases then molding itself into stars, galaxies and planets and then from the seemingly dead chemicals aggregating itself in remarkably calculated proportions with a rather unimaginable synchronicity to become alive. Single cellular, to multi cellular, to amphibians, to reptiles, birds, mammals and finally the ones who are writing and reading this on their computer screen.
Is that self asking questions?? And if so then to whom is it posing these questions??

Or is it something implanted upon it, something extraneous that asks the questions (the mind)???

And this is the point of confluence of all that has been discussed till now…….

That there is a deeper intelligence operational within us like every other living being and the so called non-living thing is amply obvious.
The heart continues to produce its own electrical impulses and converts it into an extremely precise and synchronized mechanical activity called the cardiac cycle in every beat (which takes pages upon pages of explanation in physiology text books to understand). The lungs effortlessly function to remove the accumulated carbon dioxide and refresh the body with oxygen with each breath. Stomach and the intestines breakdown the complex food stuffs we intake into the required essentials and absorb and assimilate them. The eyes are continuously sending electrical impulses to the brain which then interprets it as images. There is no real image anywhere; it’s just an interpretation or translation of electrical activity occurring on the retina by the optic lobes of the brain (beauty truly does lie in the eyes or more correctly optic lobes of the beholder). The ears are sending in compressions and rarefactions of air (the sound vibrations) as electrical signals that are then translated into meaningful words and sentences by the auditory lobe of the brain. So on and so forth with each and every organ, organ system, sense and the entire body. From the seemingly dead nails and hair to the infinitely complex brain (with its 86-100 billion neurons and around 0.15 quadrillion synapses) there seems to be an all pervasive intelligence that is functioning despite of us. That is to say that we have little if any say in our physiological functioning; and hence essentially life.

So it seems that there are two entities functional in this human body of ours,

1> The real primal intelligence that actually orchestrates the functioning of this extremely complex body and maintains life as we know it.

2> Something else that has little or no say in the “real life” and hence weaves an illusory web of control derived from a “reaction to the is’ness of life”

Order, Chaos and Control (continued...)

Order, Chaos and Control (continued...)


The two points of views are drastically different……so different are they that a mere inception (a deep conscious and subconscious acceptance as the truth, the obvious reality) of the second organic view point has the capacity to drastically alter the life perceptions instantaneously.

It is quite (the second organic view point) contrary to our routine belief which is mostly agnostic (inability to interpret sensations and hence to recognize things) and somnolent (sleep of intelligible mind) in regards to clearly identifying “Us”.
The quintessential “who am I?”, “what is the purpose and nature of this universe?” are viewed plainly as futile psychological abstractions in the face of more pressing realities of earning the daily bread and paying the monthly bill.
But for what? if only one may pause for a moment and ask himself.

For what am I earning the daily bread and paying the monthly bill?

To continue doing the same for another month, year or a lifetime (till death comes and presses the stop button of this mundane drag that we call life) ?

The infinitely brilliant orchestration of unimaginable number of events that took place from the big bang (13.8 billion years ago) forwards till this date to bring this Me into being in this here and now was for this?? (earning the daily bread and paying the monthly bill)???

It seems like a crazy universe that after so much deliberation in creation has ended up creating a creature that spends his early years preparing, for earning a bread (so called schooling and higher education), then is spent during his most productive years running from pillar to post actually earning the bread only to be finally awaiting his turn to part from this planet still worrying about the bread as long as he is alive.

(The bread here signifies not just food or basic necessities but also the insatiable list of desires that continuously haunt our being)
Or is it that the creature has got it all mixed up and wrong??

Could it be that the human being is missing the obvious amidst the deafening clamor of the so called necessity??

Could it be that the obvious is hidden from the plain site because of its being so blatantly obvious??

There is nothing wrong with driving a Ferrari at 20 kmph in busy traffic conditions but it certainly is madness to believe that the Ferrari can do only 20kmph because you have been driving it at that speed only (maybe because of the traffic conditions you are subjecting it to)

Similarly there is nothing wrong with earning the daily bread and paying the monthly bill but it is nothing short of insanity to believe that it is the finality of life.

So what exactly is the finality of life??

Though a good question it does not have a singular answer.

And Abraham Maslow explains it quite well as to why is it so



Maslow stratifies human beings depending upon their principal needs and desires i.e. from plain physiological and biological to more moral and spiritual. A persons chief or most pressing or most important need or desire puts him in a certain strata of Maslow's pyramid as follows.

1. Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.

2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, freedom from fear.

3. Social Needs - belongingness, affection and love, - from work group, family, friends, romantic relationships.

4. Esteem needs - achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, respect from others.

5. Self-Actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

So the answer to this question (of the finality of life) varies from person to person depending upon where exactly is he located in the Maslow’s pyramid.
To each according to his own capacity, moving into the next strata of the pyramid seems like the finality.

Maslow states “One must satisfy lower level basic needs before progressing on to meet higher level growth needs. Once these needs have been reasonably satisfied, one may be able to reach the highest level called self-actualization.”

And he defines self actualization as “realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.”

And this is where we begin, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

Our questioning of the finality in (of) life arises from the pinnacle of Maslow’s pyramid and takes us beyond. Metaphorically it frees us from the geometric confines of name and form identities of the limited mind (like the confines of the Maslow’s pyramid) and expands us in the domain of nameless and formless infinity.

Order, Chaos and Control

Order, Chaos and Control

The universe it seems loves contrasts and very tightly intertwines polarities be it an atom with electrons, protons and neutrons or be it galaxies, stars and the planetary systems within them, tightly strung (to perfection like guitar strings) by the opposing forces of gravity and centrifugal force. On one hand chemistry via its laws of thermodynamics observes that "the second law of thermodynamics says that entropy always increases with time".
Entropy being defined as “often interpreted as the degree of disorder or randomness in the system”.

Implying that with time disorderliness should increase within any system unless acted upon by an external agent
but the contrary is true for our universe which seems to be becoming more and more organized with time. From the chaotic soup of nebulous gases to stars, galaxies and planets and then from chemicals to life forms (the seemingly dead chemicals aggregating themselves in remarkably calculated proportions with a rather unimaginable synchronicity to become alive) single cellular, to multi cellular, to amphibians, to reptiles, birds, mammals and finally the one who is reading this on his/her computer screen. A long journey of continuous refinement is before us. The inability to see the activity of an immense rather infinite intelligence to change the gaseous nebulae and star dust into us requires tremendous depth of agnosia (inability to interpret sensations and hence to recognize things) and somnolence (sleep of intelligible mind).
This infinite intelligence that has brought us forth to being from the intangible big bang has constantly used opposing forces to shape this universe as it is.
And it would do us good to see ourselves NOT in the universe but as the extensions of universe itself (as that is the only case anyways). How can we be “in the universe”???
Are we like live fishes dropped into a dead and unintelligent aquarium of universe from outside ?? (and if so how?, who did it?)
Or
Are we like the fruit that emerges from the slow, extremely orchestrated and a highly organized growth process of a seed(again paradoxically containing the seed within)
The two points of views are drastically different……so different are they that a mere inception (a deep conscious and subconscious acceptance as the truth, the obvious reality) of the second organic view point has the capacity to drastically alter the life perceptions instantaneously.
To be continued.....

Work Life Balance Continued

Work Life Balance
Continued

In the comments section my friend expresses his concern about the ongoing topic of discussion that is “work life balance”. Of the many words he uses I have singled out a line that is of deep significance …..
“The lower n middle level management guys can only dream of a day when they actually get to live a day without some part of their mind constantly engrossed in work related thoughts.”

This is deeply significant ……the words highlighted as bold appear exactly in the middle of the paragraph and these lines are almost a watershed gate between two distinct thought patterns arising within the paragraph.

The first half comprises of denial (that it is impossible to achieve the balance at his current position, maybe at too junior or too senior a position but not exactly where he is)

The second half comprises of justification as to why it is so. The justification arrives immediately after the “their mind constantly engrossed in work related thoughts.” Line, with evidence being bolstered up from outside world reality.
This whole paragraph shows 2 things

1> That at some deep and subconscious level my friend is aware of the fact that most of what we call and perceive as reality is nothing but a thought process in our head (evidenced by those highlighted lines)

2> But this awareness of the power of his own mind to alter the perceptions of reality is buried out of reach under denial and forcibly locked away out of reach by the lock of justifications.

So the question arises “what can be done about it?”

And at this juncture it would be prudent to differentiate the approach or point of view towards life between the “linear – algorithmic” version and the “The urban ascetic version”.

The “linear – algorithmic” version is more chemical (chemistry intended/implied), the “The urban ascetic version” is Alchemical.
The “linear – algorithmic” version attempts to react with the surroundings, preserve itself as it is and alter the other (people, conditions, environment, and situations) it continuously perceives threat from the environment and remains skeptical and rueful about it.

“The urban ascetic version” on the other hand perceives people, conditions, environment, and situations as agents of self-transformation. It responds to all these external agents with respect and inner gratitude for they show him his own deficiencies and hence his own possibilities (post transformation).
So it is with the current topic of work life balance. When one has turned his attention inwards so much so that now no person, no condition, no environment, and no situation is deemed too overpowering or held as an object of blame he is ready for the new point of view.
And it is quite simple …….. comprising of “Mental (non) exercise”, “psychological dieting” and “Mental Hygiene”…….

“Mental Hygiene” is very analogous to the shoe rack at home i.e. we have footwear parked upon it to be worn when we go outside the house and when we come in we put that outside footwear on it and put on the home footwear. Similarly the term “Mental Hygiene” implies the shoe rack of alertness that reminds you that when at home there is no necessity to keep wearing the office thoughts and when leaving for office leave the home thought footwear at home to be picked up upon return.
Of course one would argue about the necessity of ruminating work related thoughts all through the day bolstering evidences from various situations, but if you see it clearly it would be obvious that this necessity arises from a background emotion of fear and hence attempt to control the events.
So herein comes the concept of “psychological dieting”………. Being choosy and frugal about what one thinks. No more junk thinking anything and everything that’s on the news or is happening on the planet restrain yourself to things that actually affect you and are in your control and capacity to bring about a change (your opinion about the war in crimea does not change the situation there nor are the Russians and Ukrainians bothered about it), no more binge of repetitive thought patterns. Just like the dieting with food this is an alert commitment to keeping the number of thoughts to the lowest calorie count possible. Approaching any situation with minimal, simple and effective number of thoughts.

Nice suggestion, but I am a “thought junkie” addicted to this habit of constant and excessive thinking …….

Hence finally the concept of “Mental (non) exercise” unlike the previous two concepts which were almost analogous to their physical counterparts this is almost opposite. This exercise is a sort of non exercise,it requires of you to get off your treadmill of thoughts. It requires one to willingly and with alertness shift his attention from abstractions of thoughts to the more real and organic reality of his breath or heart beat. No need to be hung up in the head all the time there are other body parts too. Be focused upon the beats of your heart, the coming and going of breaths, the tingling aliveness in your palms and feet one at a time.
As it is with the weight reduction and dieting programs to begin with everybody wants a magic pill or a onetime surgery that solves all the problems once and for all without changing our own behavior patterns and dietary habits…….but sooner or later when the determination for change dawns it becomes obvious that all the things that are worthwhile in life are a process requiring a change at the most fundamental level and that is oneself.
“The Urban ascetic” point of view towards things is fundamental too and hence it attempts its alchemy at you rather than reacting with the situation you present.

Work Life Balance

Work Life Balance

The first suggestion received to be subjected to “The Urban Ascetic” view point is from a friend. Let’s discuss “work life balance” (the exact text that he sent). Obvious in these 3 lines is the underlying premise of the questioning or the core belief from which this question has arisen…………
And that is ……..work and life are two different things. So different and in opposition to each other that a balance needs to be struck. Else work may take over life or vice versa life may take over work…….
Life may take over work…….wait a minute …what does that mean?......

The subtle nuances of the mind and the various undercurrents that make it up become obvious only when a word by word dissection of a sentence is done along with the understanding of the underlying implication of each one of those words.
The seemingly innocuous “work life balance” actually implies something very deep operating within each of us i.e. the ego based construct of reality.

Ego implies resistance. Resistance to what is …..Is ego. Of course none of us were born with it. It was gradually implanted within us because of the interplay of two factors.

1> We were very naïve then (as children) and never crosschecked or introspected whatever thought and believes were being dumped upon us. We just assumed them to be the finality because most of them were given to us by people in position of authority in our lives.

2> People in position of authority in our live (and the entire society in general so to say) are/were themselves a part of ego based construct of reality so they themselves did not have anything better to offer.

And once created this ego has stayed with us only because of a singular reason
1 > our unwillingness to check its validity/reality.

And in essence that is exactly what we are attempting to do here. Just checking and trying to ascertain if our current view point of life serves us well or can we try something new ??.

A child is asked to resist failure or poor ranks (inspired to get better grades and leave the rest behind), he is expected to resist his natural inclinations towards play and experimentation (and conform to the prescribed syllabus and time table), he is repeatedly reminded that he as himself is not enough its only when he gets this degree or that job ,that pay check or position (via both subtle and overt programming) he would amount to something……
And it is via these and many many more implanted ideologies of resistance to what is and a sense of not being enough and hence continuously attempting to beautify and glorify the abstract ideological superstructure imposed upon him that the ego is born.
The life blood of ego are two things

1> Resistance to what is (it is an insurance into having a constant and permanent enemy)

2> A constant feeling of “not enough-ness” the need to do something about “what is” to fix it, to make it better because egos premise is that “what is” is never enough it needs to be beautified and glorified with something else, some effort to make it better.

The simple and innocuous 3 liner of “work life balance” has both its egoic components.

1> Choose either work or any other area of life the ego has already created a polarity and will resist whatever it is you do. It has created its constant enemies i.e. if you work it will say you are neglecting your life you are letting the beauty of love and relations be lost in the daily grind of the mundane (it will become a philosopher then). And if you choose to take it easy and be a little laid back the ego will admonish you saying that you are lazy, incompetent, a coward who is hiding behind the family excuse because he is not capable enough to keep up with the competition (it becomes your boss cum pseudo-motivator then).

2> A constant feeling of “not enough-ness” has easily been accomplished now. Since, if you work you will be reminded of loses of precious time and memories at family front and if you take it easy you shall be reminded of how far you could you could have gone and how much more you could have accomplished just like the others (who of course are dumber than you, already have)

It is egos catch 22…………

Who is he?

The Urban Ascetic

Who is he?

He sits beside you , works with you, laughs with you, faces similar trials and tribulations, applauses and allegations, and shares the same physical time-space-reality as yours but a gaze into his eyes would let you know he is in a universe apart………….
His own mind is the jungle, his commitment to himself to finding his own depth, his own self is his sanyas (renunciation), he bears through the emotional weather changes and storms(within him) undeterred, he is continuously attempting to scale and go beyond the mountains of limitations and comfort zones to discover his ever expanding greater self, his refuge is the cave of his belief in himself, his interactions with people give them a glimpse of their own power and capacity, his response to situations illumines the circumstances with love and bliss, he is the self-full ,so merged with the self that the others who perceive him call him selfless.

What is it about?

What is it about?

Like the colors of the rainbow as violet cannot be termed to be more correct than blue and as orange cannot be deemed more optimal than red “The urban ascetic” is one of the multitudes of rainbow color point of views of life.
Yes one can have a preference or affinity for one color greater than the other colors but that does not make the other colors wrong or incorrect or inferior etc they just are……..
And so it is with point of view it just is. If you like it use it, if you don’t then just forget about it and move on.
In our current times there is this tendency towards a linear approach to life where almost everything can be fit into an “if-then-else” kind of an algorithm. Without any negativity pertaining to it or an intention of correcting it (because your love for color blue does not imply your desire to eliminate or “correct” all the other colors it’s just a personal preference) what is being done here Is a gentle proposition of a different point of view towards self and life as a whole.
A more organic perspective of life with a much much lesser emphasis on knowing and more so upon feeling and experiencing.
Knowledge is like a seed it requires the right soil and a multitude of correct conditions to take hold to germinate. Feelings and emotions on the other hand are like saplings and plants (may be even trees depending entirely upon their depth and intensity) within us. They already have a foot hold in our being and are more real to us than any word or statement or assertion.

The urban ascetic’s point of view is multidimensional instead of being linear ……….it’s kind of hard to make sense of as it does not comply with the sensibility of the current simplistic and effective linear “if-then-else” algorithmic point of view.
But is worth looking into as it is not a generic “one size fits all” point of view but a very specific “tailor made to your measurement” point of view. ……….

And herein lays its boon as well as its bane. The boon it offers is a more congenial, a more pleasant, friendly and enjoyable psychological milieu to the individual within himself. A sort of portable “emotional-psychological resort cum retreat” goes with you where ever you go……. A personal portable heaven.

But its bane is its specificity itself …….its “tailor made to your measurement” nature implies your active participation and we have become so used to the “ready to use” , “ the instantaneous”, “the immediate” that the concept of slow organic growth out of which we all and all that is has emerged has become alien to us.
This point of view begins at you, proceeds with you until it has become you.
And so it begins where you are (no matter what that place is)……..by asking you “what is it that you want?” and immediately supplements it with a “why?” i.e. “why do you want whatever it is that you want?”

Answer by answer, thing by thing, person by person, place by place, position by position, situation by situation, layer by layer with your honest and untiring participation it relentlessly keeps asking you “but why do you want it?” until it has cornered you to make you understand, feel and clearly see the point in its next question that is

“What is it that you want to feel in the having of that particular person, position, thing, situation etc …?”

And once one can develop the patience, persistence and stamina to reach up to this question to an extent that this question becomes as pertinent to him/her as the person, position, thing, situation etc that incited this process in the first place he/she has become ready to begin the journey.

The journey of life as “The Urban Ascetic”

THE URBAN ASCETIC SERIES

THE URBAN ASCETIC SERIES

A Happy Birth Day

A Happy Birth Day

At times in life we get so caught up with the specifics of our life situation that the perspective of life itself starts to slip away from our sight. It’s almost like driving in the rush hour…..we get “zombiefied” ….. totally forgetting “why we got in the car?” , “where are we actually headed?” etc we get so consumed by the thought of overtaking this car right in front of us and drifting into the relatively faster moving lane of traffic that the drive becomes an anxiety filled cumbersome drag.
…………….And so we got into the car of life NOT to reach the destination of death cursing the drivers (fellow human beings) along the way, cribbing over situations and circumstances that surround us, dreaming and hallucinating about a utopian future that is just around the corner but never actually comes…….
We got into the car of life for the fun of the ride …..yeah fun of the ride and nothing else…..

What else could it be???

Located in a 13.8 billion year old universe with roughly 200 billion galaxies in the visible universe with each galaxy containing roughly upwards of 400 billion stars. Out in such vastness of the visible universe amidst this colossal numeric aggregation of galaxies is the one we choose to name the Milky Way and contained within its insignificance amidst 400 billion other stars is the one we choose to call the Sun ,orbited by 8 other planets one of which is 4.54 Billion year old Earth. Earth …..home to approximately 5 million (estimated) different flora and fauna species (1.9million exactly identified) of which human beings are just one. And human beings too are roughly 7 billion in number currently, in this sea of exasperating numbers there is this individual you and me and this and that.

Do I really matter …..????

Well maybe not much in this colossal framework but certainly so in my world of much much much limited time, facts, figures and numbers. So the question is “from what perspective am I living my life?”. Is it my own personal perspective or a one I have been indoctrinated into by my socio-cultural environment? Does it feel good to me or am I just carrying it around because that is what was handed unto me and I never bothered to investigate it any further?
And I got an answer to it today…….
Today is my birthday and as the sun rose across the horizon one after the other calls, messages and posts began surrounding me more and more, it made me feel better and better each passing moment until finally an overwhelming sense of gratitude engulfed me. So many people gave their time, love and wishes to me and none of it was my doing ……..it was all freely and willfully given just like this life , air, water etc …..that life had happened to me and was lovingly taking care of me and that I had become absent to this miracle.
That I had become “Zombiefied” in the pursuit of delusive tomorrows even as the grains of now and today slipped past my fingers…….
I had forgotten that I was here for the fun of the ride…….not to be, do or have anything at the cost of my feeling good.
Of course an argumentative mind can illustrate and elaborate the brilliance of effort and hard work etc and belittle the need to just feel good as wishy – washy nonsense but the abstractions of argument do not stand anywhere against the reality of feelings and emotions, nothing is more real and personal to an individual than his feelings and emotions…….logical arguments on the other hand most if not all are borrowed ideas from the collective socio-cultural conditioning. So “on the real barometric scale of emotions how do I measure up?” that is the perspective I am talking about ……..
Living a life of feeling good and doing Then whatever needs to be done instead of wasting the life in doing this or that, achieving that and more and continuously postponing the “feeling good” feeling until after this one thing and that one more accomplishment.
I got my perspective today and it is “I just want to feel good (like I did today) because feeling good feels so good”
Indeed it’s a very happy birth day ……a new perspective is a new person, a new me, a new you.

Anchored in this broad point of view of transience and ephemeral nature of things, conscious of the blessings bestowed by this infinite intelligence in the form of life and more, driven only by a sense of further expansion, feeling light, feeling blissful……. I shall glide across life moment to moment…..

BUT WHY ?? 4

From this place of lightness and clarity I feel myself honestly ….. cherish myself lovingly…..and trust myself absolutely.

And then I ask……….

“What is it that I want?” ……………….

Interestingly though I did not ask “who am I ?” as the first and foremost question …….
Which actually set forth this entire discussion (an inner journey of sorts) into motion because it seems irrelevant ……..so obvious that it seems almost out of context here .
Even though I am still at a loss to offer a verbal or locution (based) mediated definition using words to clearly identify myself...... my sense of self is in an overwhelming “eureka moment”.

So I may not have the precise equation to convey the idea or feeling to anyone else but in this flash of brilliance I know ….. clearly, deeply and absolutely who am I !!!!

So the relevant question now is not “who am I ?” rather “What is it that I want?”

BUT WHY ?? 3

Okay …..sounds plausible …..but what if all of this is put together at once (i.e. body, sensory perceptions, thoughts, feelings, emotions) would that not be me ???

Of course with such a bombardment of inputs and so many processes (i.e. body, sensory perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions) running independently and interdependently it would seem difficult not to identify with the entire process as me. Especially when stakes are involved…..
But what if I for a moment step back from the stakes ……no need to dub them as real or unreal …… just stepping back …….. It’s like saying to oneself

“I will not be siding with the outcomes …..let me see what happens …. I am open to anything …… I am not invested into this story of my life for the (say like) next 1 hour or 0.5 hrs.”

This singular (honest) thought of disinvestment from the story of my life is a phenomenon ally liberating step. Simultaneously synchronized with the taking of this decision is an instantaneous feeling of Freedom and Upliftment.
So I look at myself, my condition, my environment, my circumstances etc …..everything about me as I would look at someone else ….a total stranger (not even a family member, friend, relative or an acquaintance as we are very much invested in them and hardly ever see them as they are)….in a very detached ….. disinvested manner.

Having stepped back from the stakes ……. Becoming disinvested from the current “story of my life” ……. Something very strange is experienced…..
Everything seems to be happening …..the bodily processes….the sensory perceptions….thoughts…feelings and emotions……all of it seems to be happening of itself. The tight and defensive grip of “I ness” seems to loosen and probably that is what is felt as a whiff of freedom and upliftment .
It is from this vantage point of clarity that I can come to know myself not otherwise. As would be seen and experienced from this liberating position that in a state of identification with the “story of my life” and all its ingredients (i.e. body, sensory perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions) I am actually operating from merely a psychosocial conditioning implanted unto me by my socio-cultural environment (family, school, college, work place, peers, media, society in general)
Other than the body and its processes and sensory perceptions everything else begins to feel alien. All the unnecessary burden of do’s and don’ts, should’s and shouldn’ts , desires and fears, aspirations and sense of stagnation….. vaporizes into nothingness.
From this place of lightness and clarity I feel myself honestly ….. cherish myself lovingly…..and trust myself absolutely.

BUT WHY ?? 2

At this juncture let us begin with what is within the ambit of our own personal experience and not what has been hosed down our guts by both science and religion.
“Who” precisely I may not know (i.e. I may not be able to give a verbal or locution mediated definition using words)……but that “I exist” that much is my experience for sure and it doesn’t require any scientific or religious validation.

I exist I am told since my birth…..okay …….. So where was I before my so called birth?? And where would I then be after my so called death???

My existence is a constant experience even when I am unaware of my body such as in dream and deep sleep…….

So I can come to safely assume that this feeling of “I ness”, my existence, though is deeply associated with the body in waking state is not the finality of me.

I cannot say that I am the sensory perceptions (sight, sound, smell, taste, touch) the thoughts or the feelings as they are too fleeting in nature and besides they too are experienced by someone who is aware of them as well as their alterations …..i.e. in deep sleep I do not experience sensory perceptions, thoughts and emotions and yet I exist….
So sensory perceptions, thoughts, feelings and emotions too cannot be my finality…….

Okay …..sounds plausible …..but what if all of this is put together at once (i.e. body, sensory perceptions, thoughts, feelings, emotions) would that not be me ???

BUT WHY ?? 1

But why these questions in the first place???

“Why should I go through all this botheration don’t I already have enough???”

“What does all this lead up to??” and these are perfect questions …… one may call them the “questions of premise”….as they have within them (hidden) the capacity to alter the premise of life ……. The core point of view that compels us to persist with this existence despite so many complaints, unfulfilled desires, fears, doubts and the endless barrage of negativities such as boredom, listlessness, frustration etc .
Yes these negative emotions and experiences are interspersed with occasional bouts of joy, exhilaration, achievement, freedom, love etc but the ratio seems too unfairly skewed to continue existing and yet we all manage to persist existing , to continue…….

So what is it that makes us continue …… is it hope? And hope for what? And by whom? i.e. who is hoping and for what ??

So all this seems to build up again towards those unanswerable questions (these questions are actually techniques or psychological tools for a sincere seeker)
“who am I ?”

“what is all this (the entire phenomenon of time, space, matter and energy)?”

“When and where did it all begin?”

“Where do I fit into all of this (if at all)?”

Finally
“Do I and all this (the entire phenomenon of time, space, matter and energy) have any purpose ?”

“If so then what?”

THE CRITICAL JUNCTURE

…….And this is a very critical juncture …can I define my “current Psychological location” precisely or Not??? Because it is at this conflux …it is at this juncture that two very distinct paths arise.
As for the one who can clearly define his/her “current Psychological location” the proverb “well begun is half done” suits aptly but for the one who is struggling to define his “current Psychological location” it would be apt to use the proverb “better late than never”.
This juncture is a very critical one as it is here that the religions are born ……..philosophies sprout…… disciplines germinate …….techniques are invented……
The juncture where the answer to the question is in a clear cut binary form ……..black or white without any shades of grey …. And the question is
Can I define my “current Psychological location” precisely??

There can only be a yes or a no to this question for an answer maybe’s have absolutely no place over here…..
For those who have said a YES to it and are in a position to clearly define their “current Psychological location” precisely only one (rather two) more question needs to be asked and that is
“Do you like it there where you are?” If the answer to this question is Yes then we need to put a full stop to this conversation by saying “great …..enjoy it…. and continue feeling the way you do now and follow this feeling ….allow it to lead you to all your decisions and actions”
But if the answer to this question is a No then one final question needs to be asked “Then where would you rather be in your psychological universe? i.e. how would you like to feel?..........what feelings would you want to feel within you?”
Love, joy, bliss, freedom, worthiness, capability …….etc
But why these questions in the first place???

“Current Psychological location”

So before we begin our journey ….this exploration into the unknown it would be of value for the writer to define his location …….. his "current Psychological location".
{The word Psychological here encompasses the “nature of thoughts in the mind”, “general background feeling” and “the baseline emotional state” one is experiencing}.

And this defining of “current Psychological location” is of immense value even from the point of view of something that was written 4 years ago….. “Relationships”. The blog had come to a halt at his topic 4 years ago and now life seems to be seamlessly synthesizing all of it together.
We had spoken about relationships as a part of our universal desire for expansion …..as something requiring a psychological bridge between two people…… and here is the interesting thing ….

Why at times this psychological bridge gets broken?

Or

Why at times it is so hard to establish a psychological bridge to begin with?

And the answer lies in the “current Psychological location” …….
So let us begin with examining this terminology of “current Psychological location”.
The word current implies the Now ……this moment ….it’s here …now it’s gone….it’s here …now it’s gone….it’s here …now it’s gone….it’s here …now it’s gone….it’s here …now it’s gone….Yes this minutest of the perceptible moment of time…Now.

Depending upon the keenness of their awareness Now might imply a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week or a month etc to different people. The keenness of awareness being inversely proportional to the time duration i.e. more heightened is the awareness the smaller would be the unit of time that Now implies to an individual.

The word Psychological encompasses the “nature of thoughts in the mind”, “general background feeling” and “the baseline emotional state” that one is experiencing.

And location intimates a clear cut understanding of one’s present position in the world of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
So an example of “current Psychological location” would be.....

Since past week (time period) I am feeling depressed (emotion) with these thoughts of failure and powerlessness (thoughts) and this makes me feel all the more resentful of the situation (feelings about the situation and emotion)

Or

I am feeling elated (emotion) of late (time period) and have these creative thoughts running all over my mind (thoughts) it makes me feel so alive and enthusiastic (feelings about the situation and emotion)

Who is it ?

When the writer is writing this who is he talking to?? And this strangely is a very difficult question. In this exploration as previously said ,“It’s not that the writer conjures up a writing ……instead the writing is conjuring up what is called as a writer……”, there is not a pinch of certainty; the uncertain is delving into the unknown . So in essence it could also be stated that the writer is talking to himself. Self is the keyword here. Something on the periphery has become interested to find out the core. A spoke on the periphery wants to know its hub. But the paradox or irony of the situation is that in talking to himself (loudly) the writer is talking to everyone else. As no matter how apart or oppositely aligned various spokes of a wheel maybe….. at their core they are held together by one single hub alone. 4 years later and despite the maddening current of a variety of experiences the writer still finds the premise of “self integrity”, integrating oneself completely with oneself without a miniscule of contradiction, as relevant. In fact the experience of the past years has rather infused conviction to his thought of “self integrity”. And hence we begin with the question we began 4 years ago “why do I feel so scattered?”……. “Why is there not a singular stream of thought and feeling within me?”……. “Why should I be thinking and feeling thoughts within me that are contradictory to my own dreams and desires?”…….. And the answer to all these questions could be explored from the point of view of reaching to the hub of self. Everything is alright but “who am I?” to begin with. I want to clearly delineate my self. Who is it that dreams the dreams? …….who is it that chases the desires? Who is it who fears the fears?...... “who is it who asks “who am I?””

River, Bridge or something else altogether

Nearly 4 years have passed now; much water must have flown under the bridge. The writer must have changed the written then is bound to change……..but wait “much water must have flown under the bridge”…….the bridge remains the same. So here is an interesting question now, am I the bridge?? or the river that flows underneath?? and it is of value to know clearly which one of it is me as the difference is drastic. Though subject to change both the bridge and the river are the rapidity of rate of change of one (the river) makes the other look almost changeless. So who am I? Am I the river of constantly and rapidly changing experiences? Or Am I the seemingly changeless observer (bridge) that is aware of all this as it is happening? Or Is this analogy of the river and bridge too insufficient to encompass the human condition?

Return to the beginning

But why come back to what was left unattended for four years? To be honest it is beyond the writer …….. He goes onto a certain trip... experiences something and comes back to reflect upon it in the form of a writing and suddenly life takes him up for another ride (“suddenly” is not an appropriate word and this entire line demands an explanation lengthy enough for a few posts, as it is suggestive of life being different from the living ….. but just to avoid swaying away from the core issue we would accept it as it is for now) and now while he is on the ride …….he is on the ride …..he is not reflecting about the ride…life anyways offers roller coaster type rides but with the only difference that unlike the roller coaster (and more like the bus or train) one does not get down where he got on ……it’s a different place. His vantage point has changed and with that in all probability he has changed??? Now he wants to explore ……… Explore what happened and this is different from reflection ….. Reflection has a fixed “Reflector” the one who is reflecting….. But this exploration is different …..it springs forth from uncertainty and delves into uncertainty it does not have any element of placid certainty of reflection …. It’s not that the writer conjures up a writing ……instead the writing is conjuring up what is called as a writer…..